“The child needs a father”, “a woman with children does not attract men” – in society they are used to simultaneously pity and condemn single mothers. Old prejudices do not lose relevance and now. How not to allow stereotypes to spoil your life, says a psychologist.
In the world, the number of women raising children on their own is steadily growing. For some, this is the result of their own initiative and conscious choice, for others – an unfavorable combination of circumstances: divorce, unplanned pregnancy. But for those and for others this is not an easy test. Let’s figure out why this is so.
Problem number 1.Public pressure
The specifics of our mentality suggests that the child must have both a mother and father. If the father is absent for some reason, the public is in a hurry to regret the child in advance: “Children from incomplete families cannot become happy,” “The boy needs a father, otherwise he will not grow up with a real man”.
If the initiative about the independent raising of the child comes from the woman herself, those around them begin to resent: “For the sake of children it was possible to tolerate”, “men are not needed,“ a divorced woman with children will not suit personal life ”.
The woman is one on one with the pressure of others, which makes her make excuses and feel flawed. This forces her to close in herself and avoid contacts with the outside world. The pressure drives a woman into distress, a negative form of stress, and even more exacerbates her already struty psychological state.
What to do?
First of all, get rid of errors that lead to dependence on someone else’s opinion. For example:
- Others constantly evaluate me and my actions, notice the shortcomings.
- The
love of others must be earned, so it is necessary to please everyone.
- The opinion of others is the most correct, since from the outside it is better.
Such prejudices interfere with adequate to other people’s opinions – although this is just one of the opinions, and not always the most objective. Each person sees reality based on their own projection of the world. And only you decide whether someone’s opinion is useful for you, will you use it to improve your life.
Trust yourself, your opinion and your actions. Compare yourself less with others. Surround yourself with those who do not put pressure on you, and separate your own desires from the expectations of others, otherwise you risk pushing your life and your children to the background.
Problem number 2.Loneliness
Loneliness is one of the main problems poisoning the life of a single mother and in the case of a forced divorce, and in the case of a conscious decision to raise children without a husband. It is extremely important for a woman to be surrounded by loved ones, relatives. She wants to create a hearth, to gather around it dear people. When this hearth is falling apart for some reason, the woman loses support under her feet.
The lonely mother lacks moral and physical support, the feeling of male shoulder. Banal, but so necessary for the woman, the rituals of daily communication with a partner become inaccessible to her: the opportunity to share the news of the past day, discuss business at work, consult on children’s problems, tell about their thoughts and feelings. This greatly injures the woman and introduces her into a depressive state.
Situations that remind her of the status of “loners” exacerbate and enhance the experiences. For example, in the evening, when children are sleeping and household chores, memories roll up with renewed vigor and loneliness is especially acute. Or on the weekend, when you need to go with the children on “Lone campaigns” for shops or to the cinema.
In addition, friends and acquaintances from the previous, “family” circle of communication suddenly stop calling and inviting to visit. This happens for various reasons, but most often the former environment simply does not know how to respond to the parting of a married couple, so he generally stops any communication.
What to do?
First step – don’t run away from the problem. Denial in the spirit of “this does not happen to me” only aggravate the situation. Calmly accept the forced loneliness as a temporary situation that you intend to use with the benefit for yourself.
Second step – Find the pluses alone. Temporary solitude, the opportunity to engage in creativity, freedom not to adapt to the desires of a partner. What else? Make a list of 10 points. It is important to learn to see in your state not only negative, but also positive aspects.
The third step is active actions. Fear stops the action, the action stops fear. Remember this rule and be active. New acquaintances, new leisure, new hobbies, a new pet – any activity that will help not to feel lonely and fill the space around itself with interesting people and classes is suitable.